Magazine article New Statesman (1996)

Julian's Week

Magazine article New Statesman (1996)

Julian's Week

Article excerpt

Well, it's been fun. But this fortnightly account of a renowned homosexual's comings and goings must end here, it seems.


I've had the "Dear John" email and security are standing by, even as I write, to make sure that I clear my desk out the moment this final column is filed. Apparently, they're armed with Mace and a colour photograph of John Barrowman in case I turn nasty, which is a distinct possibility. (My life coach, Geri Halliwell, thinks I have separation anxiety--mainly because I can't sleep unless the drummer from McFly is in the bedroom with me. It's just the boyfriend wearing a pork-pie hat, if the truth be known, but who cares once the lights are out?)

As this is my last "Julian's Week", I feel I ought to clear up all outstanding matters as far as possible. I don't want to leave any loose ends behind me, as it were. I wouldn't want my regular readers to lie awake at night wondering about the longevity of my personal relationship, the welfare of Valerie the talentless mongrel or the fate of my chickens.

As it happens, there has been chaos in the chicken department. The six of them (known collectively as "The Nolans") are now 14 weeks old, and comprise five hens and Blake, the only cockerel. Or so I thought. Within the past fortnight, young Jodie has suddenly begun showing another side of herself. It turns out that she's not the sweet, innocent hen I thought she was. I'm all for an alpha female, but if Jodie is going to turn into a dirty great cockerel, there's trouble ahead with Blake. It's a bit like putting Robbie Williams and Aled Jones in a sack together--there'll be a fight to the end.

An unfortunate question mark also hangs over Margaret and Billie. They've been beefing up, too. Butch is fine, but sexual realignment could ruin everything at this stage. Four boys and two girls is not a happy mix in the poultry world. …

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