Magazine article New Statesman (1996)

Shazia's Week

Magazine article New Statesman (1996)

Shazia's Week

Article excerpt

Backstage at The Tonight Show With Jay Leno, I didn't get to meet Barack Obama properly. He was standing too far away from me and there were about 2,000 far more important people in suits and moustaches standing between us.

Some woman with a big blond barnet and coral lipstick turned round to me and said, "Do you belong here?" I said, "Yes, it's where I was always meant to be."

She then shoved me against the fridge and shouted, "Mr Obama, Mr Obama." I said, "It's Mr President, actually." She then trod on my big toe, like that was going to make me go away.

If she hadn't been as large as she was I would have shoved her head in the fridge and slammed the door. It's not good to judge people but sometimes it's necessary. She was definitely a Monica Lewinsky type; she smelled as if she hadn't changed her dress in years.

Considering the portfolio of houses our MPs have, I wish they'd make use of them. I read that Nigel Griffiths MP couldn't wait until he got home, so he had sex with some woman on the furniture of his ground-floor office in the House of Commons--then said he could hardly remember the session. That's strange, considering it took place on Remembrance Sunday. If I were him, I'd never forget it.

It's also nice to see that our MPs have interests outside politics. Many of them are keen photographers who don't just like to have sex with women in their office, they also like to photograph them and download the pictures on to their computer to remind them of their bravery.

I don't really understand it. These women who choose to have sex with MPs are obviously not fussy. If I could choose to be photographed anywhere in the world, the last place I would pick would be next to some antique side table smelling of Brut, surrounded by tacky office ornaments, wearing a pair of Primark suspenders. …

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