Magazine article New Statesman (1996)

The NS Competition

Magazine article New Statesman (1996)

The NS Competition

Article excerpt

Set by Brendon O'Byrne

We asked for submissions to the latest edition of the Diagnostic and Statistics Manual for Mental Disorders (DSM).

This week's winners

Well done. Those with three and four "submissions" get [pounds sterling]20 each, and those with two get [pounds sterling]15. The Tesco vouchers go, in addition, to John Griffiths-Colby for making me laugh out loud (buysolar, indeed!). PS: We haven't forgotten the Top 20 winners' listing for 2009, which will appear in truncated form the week after next ...

Lucrephilia neurosis: the belief that the value of everything can be expressed in monetary terms. Symptoms include the insistence on exorbitant bonuses.

Recessional gardening syndrome: a delusional disorder in which the sufferers believe they have discovered a green shoot of recovery. Symptoms include irrational expressions of optimism. Cognitive email obsession: symptoms include bouts of hysteria when faced with the notice "No new messages" and the belief that an informal email can disprove decades of scientific evidence.

M E Ault

Hyperbolic expectation syndrome: the holding and continual expression against all reason of the view that England will win the World Cup.

Post-traumatic dress disorder: anxiety triggered upon seeing photos of yourself from the 1970s. Discalculian exhibitionism: the irresistible urge to bandy about incomprehensible numbers as a substitute for political argument.

Bipochondriasis: thinking you've got bipolar disorder because Stephen Fry has it.

Adrian Fry

Myoldcardie infarction: perception of social death through inability to keep up with latest trends, fashion, gadgets etc. …

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