Magazine article New Statesman (1996)

Westminster's Pest Problems

Magazine article New Statesman (1996)

Westminster's Pest Problems

Article excerpt

Yvonne Fovargue, one of Westminster's new girls, has already learned how dangerous the Commons chamber can be. During her maiden speech, the Makerfield MP felt a sudden, sharp pain in her head. She was momentarily flustered, but continued womanfully. The Labour Mensa member soon solved the mystery: as she sat down, a wasp-like insect fell from her locks. The place is buzzing with critters. Waspish comments from Tories are less menacing than the real thing.

Makerfield's finest was stung again praising her vertically challenged predecessor Ian McCartney, who was knighted in the Brown resignation list. Locally, five-feet-nothing Sir Big Mac has been dubbed the Shortest Knight of the Year.

Another new girl learning to cope with beasties is the chick-lit author and so-called Cameron cutie Louise Bagshawe. The woman behind the saucily titled novels Desire, Passion and Venus Envy is finding the green benches an uncomfortable place for a short skirt. Labour ladies note that Bagshawe, surrounded by Neanderthals, has started placing an order paper on her thighs to protect her modesty. Down, Tory boys!

[ILLUSTRATION OMITTED]

Few organs are as scathing about "elf and safety" as Richard Desmond's Daily Express. So a string of frothing emails from Martin Ellice, one of his henchmen, caused bemusement at City Hall. Dirty Des is greatly exercised by Boris Johnson's decision to instal a rent-a-bike rack outside the Depress HQ. Ellice's argument is that the rack presents "a serious health and safety risk". …

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