Magazine article Management Today

The End: Smoke & Mirrors

Magazine article Management Today

The End: Smoke & Mirrors

Article excerpt

The comms chief comes up with a bold plan to deal with his ex-wife and her menacing financial demands.

MONDAY

Difficult week. Am in financial negotiations with Freya, the soon-to-be ex-wife. You'd think, as somebody with a good corporate background, I'd have the upper hand, but you'd be wrong. Freya works for a big charity NGO called Life Crisis that specialises in aggressive fundraising, so putting my balls in a vice is right up her street.

Her job involves getting incentivised muggers onto the street to baffle young and old with tales of horrific suffering that only their immediate direct debit to Life Crisis will solve. It'll be the mis-selling scandal of the next 10 years, but because they're 'doing good', no one says a word.

TUESDAY

More negotiations. Freya's opening gambit is exactly the same as all those big charities: there's a crisis; it was my fault due to a historically exploitative relationship; I must now cough up to make things better; and she is the morally superior being for bringing this to my attention. It would all be laughable if the law wasn't stacked in her favour. I fully expect none of the males in my kids' generation ever to contemplate marriage as it's now becoming a lot like doing business with Russia - you obviously want to get your hands on their natural resources but you end up with legal tanks on your lawn and a much smaller home. The day got worse when our bewigged CEO Linton Spivey suddenly announced that we need a major export drive to the BRICs. I took this as a good excuse to research export possibilities with my tidy girlfriend, Concepcion, one of Brazil's finest exports.

WEDNESDAY

Spent morning recovering from a very expensive evening with Concepcion. If I'd known how costly girlfriends were, I'd have thought twice about divorcing. Freya cold-called me again, demanding money. I've now decided that dealing with my ex is more like trade negotiations with the Germans: you've got a long past together blighted by serious conflict but now you need to deal with them as sensible grown-ups who actually earn more than you do.

Spivey burst in and said we can forget all about the BRICs because he's discovered the MINTs - Mexico, Indonesia, Nigeria and Turkey. …

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