Magazine article Insight on the News

Some Consistent Truth in Labeling We'd like to See

Magazine article Insight on the News

Some Consistent Truth in Labeling We'd like to See

Article excerpt

I completely agree with the recent truth-in-slaughtering proposal put forth by the Beverly Hills City Council. This forward-thinking reform would force fur salons to place a label on their products that would describe how animals sacrificed for coats had been killed. For example, whether "by electrocution, gassing, neck-breaking, poisoning, clubbing, stomping or drowning, or may have been trapped in steel-jaw leghold traps."

Just what a lovely lady likes to hear as she wraps that snug, warm fur around her shoulders and twirls in front of the salon's mirrors. Only the most narrow-minded would label this proposal an outrageous intrusion of government into what laughingly is called everyday private life.

The Beverly Hills City Council therefore should be applauded by all sensible Americans. I urge the rest of America to catch up with the Golden State and apply the "Beverly Hills" principle to an array of goods and services. These new labels can include:

Airline tickets. Dear Passenger: Fifteen water-soluble but flame-resistant paste-on tattoos are included with this ticket. Before boarding, please affix one that contains your name, Social Security number and next-of-kin address to each hand, arm, leg, foot, torso, neck and inner lip. In the event of a cataclysmic crash, your body is apt to be ripped apart -- each limb yanked off and flung quite a distance from whatever remains of your torso. The tattoos will help rescue workers collect as many pieces of you as possible (as well as prevent lazier ones from tossing body parts from several different victims into each bag of remains).

Rifles and pistols. Dear Shooter: You may use this product any way you wish, knowing that we manufacturers are being sued and held liable for anything done with this firearm. Use it to hold up a bank, mug a pedestrian, blow away your wife, husband, mother-in-law -- or, our preferences, the plaintiffs' attorneys and big-city mayors trying to bankrupt us -- and the law will absolve you and come after us, if the trial lawyers get their way.

Abortion clinics. Dear Patient: This facility uses two different safe procedures (for you, anyway) to eliminate the unwanted "matter" from your system. It can be vacuumed, which will suck the "leg and arm" matter off first from the stem. The head matter will resist a bit more, reflexively yanking back against the force of the vacuum, until you feel a satisfying little "thump" once the "neck" matter is sucked off, after which the soft, spongy "internal organ" matter quickly will follow. …

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