Magazine article Sojourners Magazine

Be Afraid. Be Very Afraid. (It's the Law.). (Humor)

Magazine article Sojourners Magazine

Be Afraid. Be Very Afraid. (It's the Law.). (Humor)

Article excerpt

Those of you just back from vacation might need a quick reminder about the state of the world. It's not good. But you wouldn't know that, would you, since you were away on that annual orgy of beach-related self-centeredness, ignoring our wounded planet and wallowing in the unearned privileges of the American leisure class.

I know I did.

Well, there's a lot more to be afraid of now that you're back (and no, it's not because you're back--please, this isn't about you), and the government is making darn sure we don't forget any of it. Turns out, over the past few months federal officials got a little lax in warning us about the many threats to our way of life, and I'm not just talking about the brain-dissolving toxins recently discovered emanating from Menthos commercials.

No, these are SERIOUS threats, the kind that make President Bush talk publicly about being "firm in our resolve" and "resolute in our strength" and "Hey, I had to cancel the barbecue because of this!"

Now the federal government is taking every threat seriously, and has ordered that citizens caught having a good day are to be immediately stopped and reminded that, at any moment, SOMETHING REALLY BAD COULD HAPPEN!

Paper cut? CIA: "Told you so."

Funny noise in the bathroom? FBI: "Made you look."

Tummy ache from that second tube of Pringles? Department of Homeland Security: "Hey, if you want to live life on a razor's edge like that, don't blame us."

AND IF THAT WASN'T enough, now we're told that federal agents discovered a plot to detonate a dirty bomb in Washington, D.C. A "dirty bomb"--which, it's safe to say, will never be featured in Martha Stewart Living--is particularly dangerous, experts tell us, because it could release hundreds of Fox News crews on unsuspecting Americans and subsequently fill the airwaves with the kind of commentary that should only be viewed from under your bed. While holding your blankie.

Not to be outdone by the previous paragraph, government officials are quick to add that there are OTHER really scary things that could be used against us, too, like car bombs and shoulder-fired missiles, although thank goodness neither of these is available in this country. Except at gun shows.

But don't worry, a terrorist can't just walk up and buy anything from gun show salesmen (motto: "Look, it's none of my business"). …

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