Magazine article New Statesman (1996)

My Friend, at 85, Is Obsessed with Getting as Much Sex as He Can before He Dies. (Now What)

Magazine article New Statesman (1996)

My Friend, at 85, Is Obsessed with Getting as Much Sex as He Can before He Dies. (Now What)

Article excerpt

"How much does a prostitute cost?" I've asked most of my male friends and colleagues this question in the past month and they are either clearly making up figures ("Oooh, anything from a flyer to five grand") or they're pretending to be "dirtier" than they are ("Well it varies as to where you go, King's Cross is cheap, Mayfair expensive"). Well, duh! One old mate even began talking like a character from The Sopranos at the mention of paid-for-pleasure: "Well, y'see wid hookers it depends on whether you choose from the la carte menu or whether you go straight for the old 'surf'n' turf'."

The reason I'm asking is that a very aged friend has become obsessed with the idea of having sex as much as possible (or even lust once) before he dies. This previously sedate widower of 85 has already lost his entire life-savings trying to buy affection off every haggard tart in the village where he lives.

I want to know some facts and figures to stop this lovely old guy dying in utter penury. I want to ask him: "Is it the chase, the risk or the disappointment you crave -- because for 30K you could have sorted this obsession out a long time ago and still had enough change for a Caribbean cruise once a year with a really nice lady as well."

Despite the efforts of all his closest and frankly irritated friends, he is again being leeched off by a grisly tart promising (and not delivering) "favours" in return for his entire pension each and every week.

I took my family to visit him last weekend and, apart from smoking too much and seeming distracted, he was in good health. One night the phone rang. It was a woman, and I knew her type immediately.

"Hello?" she said, shocked that a woman answered.

"Who is this?"

"Errm, never mind, wrong number."

"No, it's not. Who are you trying to call? …

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