Magazine article The Spectator


Magazine article The Spectator


Article excerpt

Our needs are really very mild, so please don't be too critical, if we just crave a little seal, to decorate our winter coat.

Don't show those bloody, mashedup cubs, it spoils our pleasure, gives us guilt to see the virgin snow stained red, and quite distressing for the kids.

We love our s. u. v. so much, it's big and strong and rules the road, don't tell us how we heat the globe, it spoils the little fun we have.

The ice-cap melting's not our fault, it's all those planes that stain the sky, of course we like to fly each year but global warming's not our fault, the scientists will find a way, to make those jolly ice-caps stay.

I really love my snakeskin boots, and now you say it's very cruel, but snakes are really slimy brutes and now they're farmed, so it's ok, and men must make a living anyway.

And oh those shocking, violent thugs who love the animals more than us and want to stop us using them to test the latest wondrous drug.

When they put prods inside the brains of monkeys, and even cats and dogs, they do it just because they must, because it helps the human race, and I'm quite sure they don't feel pain, and think of all the things we've found, by cutting open a living brain. …

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