Magazine article Out

Josh Kilmer-Purcell

Magazine article Out

Josh Kilmer-Purcell

Article excerpt

' At the end of this column I'm going into rehab. So if I offend you faggots while you're reading it, there's no point...

...in getting all pissy, because I'm playing the "get out of bad PR free" card right up front.

I'm planning on choosing the facility with the highest doctor-to-celebrity ratio. No B-listers. I'm thinking more Mel Gibson than Mark Foley. However, I'll avoid the clinic treating Isaiah Washington because that would be-to use Sharon Stone's word-absurd.

Sharon thinks it's absurd for Isaiah to be getting counseling for calling his Grey's Anatomy costar T.R. Knight Patrick Dempsey's "little faggot." "Please," Sharon explained to the New York Post, "I call all my gay friends 'big fags.' "

Obviously, Sharon doesn't understand the distinction between how she treats her own personal fags and Isaiah's method of domesticating faggots. It's a common mistake among fag owners, which is why I'm devoting this space to clarifying, once and for all, the proper manner for heterosexuals to address their faggots. Perhaps you should post this advice on your refrigerator or in your office cubicle to help your heterosexual masters understand you a little better:

The Care and Handling of Today's Faggot, Or Some of Your Best Friends Are Fags

You are a heterosexual. And most heterosexuals, like Sharon, have a difficult time telling their faggots apart. So you group them together in a herd-your "gay friends." You should not be ashamed of this because you are normal and your faggots are not. It may help to think of them as the amuse-bouches in your life. But if we examine more closely how Sharon salutes her fags, we'll learn why Sharon became an Out 100 cover girl and Isaiah wound up groveling to his faggot in order to save his job. You see, Sharon refers to her faggots as "big fags," while Isaiah calls his fag a "little faggot."

In general, fags don't mind being considered larger than life. They're flamboyant by nature. But they bristle when addressed in the diminutive, as in "You little fag." The exception to this rule is when addressing a faggot who is, in fact, overweight. Do not call even the most minimally paunchy fag a big fag. Ever. "Big ol' faggot," is, ironically, wholly acceptable to your faggot since fags have no sense of their own aging. …

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