Magazine article Out

Jesse Archer

Magazine article Out

Jesse Archer

Article excerpt

' I've been attracted to the dark side from an early age: While my brother played with Luke Sky walker I fiddled with Hammerhead."

After two years in South America I was weak, malnourished, and flat broke. I went home because home is where you go to rest, recover, and rejuvenate. Or so I thought. Soon after arriving I found my parents sitting mute in the living room. Their bodies were motionless, their faces pale. Someone died, I remember thinking. No, it's worse. Maybe the Seahawks didn't make the playoffs.

"What's the matter?" I took a seat, and my father began. "Your mother and I found out you are still gay," he said, and a wave of panic washed over me. Did I leave a cucumber in the shower? "We overheard you on the phone," he continued, "saying that Jeff Monroe was hot." That's it? I said Jeff Monroe was hot? Jeff Monroe is hot. "You know I'm gay," I reminded him. This was perplexing. I came out to my parents years ago. Twice. "Well," said my dad, "your mother and I prayed you would have an epiphany in South America." An epiphany? What kind of epiphany? Did it involve blunt trauma to the head?

Then my mother shot off some stored-up ammo. "A homosexual has nothing good to offer the world." Her words, as always, were masterfully enunciated. "Your power is evil...and your love is corrupt." Ouch. For a puritan, she sure can play dirty. I just sat back and took it because this was good, but it was about to get better. Janis was on a roll. "I raised you with good, and you chose evil," she said, her words serene and steady, "just like Darth Vader." Oh, my God. My mother called me Darth Vader. What exactly do you say to that? Thankfully, the epiphany hit. It screamed: Run the fuck to a galaxy far, faraway.

Swiftly I signed myself up for $3,000 of debt using blank checks from a credit card offer with a bad interest rate, and I moved to Gotham because that's what you do when the woman who gave you life equates you with the big daddy of bad guys. …

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