Magazine article The Spectator

Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody

Magazine article The Spectator

Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody

Article excerpt

SUNDAY Just had an absolute nightmare setting up one of those conference calls. Jed thought it would be nice if Dave rang Mrs Palin to wish her luck. Simple enough you might think. Oh no. First of all he had to explain who he was. Literally. As in 'Hello this is David Cameron.' 'Who, honey?' 'David Cameron, the leader of the Conservative party.' 'The whaaaat?' 'The British Conservative party.' Then there was all this shrieking and giggling: 'Oh my gaaad! What show am I on now? Are you from the BB of C? Is this Ronald Brand? Is Jolyon Ross on the line? Oh my gaaaaaaad! I just love you crazy Brits! Benny Hill, right? Too much! We should go hunting foxhounds together!' In the end we had to put the phone down. It's a shame we haven't managed to wish them luck before they get beaten. But I suppose it's the thought that counts.

MONDAY The office looks lovely with all the blue bunting. What a stroke of luck that blue is for Democrats. It means we can get into the spirit of Mr Obama's great victory, but if any visitors come into the office we say it's just showing support for the Tory candidate in the Glenrothes by-election. Whoever he is! Everyone v nervous about the result. (In America, not Glenrothes, obviously. ) We've had to prepare for all eventualities of course.

We have a Plan B dossier of evidence to show why Dave is a neocon and always has been.

Let's hope we don't have to deploy it! That would be so disappointing. The last thing Dave needs is an ally spouting about tax cuts and hunting rights and drilling for oil.

Dear oh dear! No, what we Compassionate Conservatives want is some good old-fashioned Democrat common sense. …

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