Magazine article Out

Tea and Sympathy

Magazine article Out

Tea and Sympathy

Article excerpt

WHY I'M WILLING TO FORSAKE WHACKING OFF FOR THE COMMON GOOD

In other big political news of 2010, there's an open seat on the small village board in the town where my farm is located. I was asked the other day whether I would ever think of running for it, and since the trappings of power, prestige, and underthe-table fishing licenses have always appealed to me, I'm giving it some serious consideration.

To raise the campaign war chest I need in order to run, which could easily amount to the tens of dollars, I'm going to have to affiliate myself with a national party. The RNC is obviously out. Alternatively, I can't say I'm that impressed with anything the Democrats are accomplishing, except for the speed of the bus with which they're running over LGBT voters. And since running as an independent may mean I get seated next to Joe Lieberman at state dinners, I have only one option left: the Tea Party.

The Tea Party may not seem the obvious choice for me - especially to my Starbuck's barista - but after digging a little bit into whatever scraps of their "platform" I could find online, I think it may suit me quite well.

One of the Tea Party tenets that has received the most attentionlately is Delaware Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell's antimasturbation stance. At first glance, it seems like the most difficult philosophy for me to put into practice. I mean, after a long day of election glad-handing, I can think of nothing more relaxing than a little right-handing. Then again, if the Tea Party alternative to jerking off involves actual sex with interns, office staffers, and rent boys (like in the GOP), I can fall into line quite easily. My partner may have a problem with that, but then again, we can't get married, so I can't commit adultery. It's an electoral win-win.

Speaking of marriage, it seems that another demand of Tea Partiers is that all Federal laws must be founded in the Constitution or the Declaration of Independence.

Speaking of marriage, it seems that another demand of Tea Partiers is that all Federal laws must be founded in the Constitution or the Declaration of Independence. Which works out well for my partner, Brent, and me. The Defense of Marriage Act certainly isn't found anywhere above John Hancock's John Hancock, so I'm sure it's just a matter of time before Sarah Palin leads a drive to repeal it. Like Obama did. …

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