Magazine article The Spectator

Poetry Corner

Magazine article The Spectator

Poetry Corner

Article excerpt


As The Spectator's High life correspondent for nearly 21 years, I would be amiss in my duties if I didn't put personal feelings aside and inform the English-speaking world's most sophisticated readership of the only good deed in Bill Clinton's presidency: humour.

Mind you, not his own. Clinton is not a humorous man, like JFK, nor is he vulgarly funny, like LBJ. He is phoney-earnest, like Johnnie Ray, a blues singer of the Fifties who used to cry a lot on stage.

No, the humour I am referring to derives from the Draft Dodger's antics, most of which have been so blatant and outrageous that they have turned housewives into Shakespeares, dullards into wits, lawyers (at least not those in his pay) into poets.

Among the best are a bunch of spiffy little quatrains from - believe it or not John Wayne's granddaughter, Teresa Wayne, sent with loving care to the poor little Greek boy via Charlie Glass, once the Duke's personal chauffeur. They should be sung to the tune of 'A Few Of My Favourite Things' from the film The Sound of Music. Here is the Bill Clinton version:

Blow jobs and land deals in backwater places,

Big Macs and french fries and girls with big


Lots of nice cleavage that makes willie spring,

These are a few of my favourite things.

Susan McDougal and Gennifer Flowers,

Horny young interns who while 'way hours,

Profits from futures that Hillary brings,

These are a few of my favourite things.

Beating the draft board and getting elected,

Naming to judgeships some hacks I've


Conspiracy theories that blame the right wing,

These are a few of my favourite things.

Meeting with Boris and Helmut and Tony,

States of the Union with lots of baloney,

Winning debates and the joys of my flings,

These are a few of my favourite things.

When the Jones bites,

When Ken Starr stings,

When I'm feeling sad,

I simply remember my favourite things,

And then I don't feel so bad . …

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