Magazine article Herizons

Fifty Shades of Poo

Magazine article Herizons

Fifty Shades of Poo

Article excerpt

I wanted it to be a true guilty pleasure, like the time I ate a whole container of Häagen-Dazs Caramel Cone Explosion ice cream in one sitting and topped it off with aToblerone bar (a small one, of course). I felt out of sorts for days (that's a euphemism for I pooped a lot). Nonetheless, the memory of those caramel bits nestling nicely on my tongue and then slithering seductively down my throat stays with me, making me glad I once dared to dabble in the excesses of caramel pleasure. It was fun - in an anal sort of way.

Anyway, that's what I wanted to feel like - minus the pooping part - when I read Fifty Shades of Grey by E.L. James, a book so popular it's outselling the Bible.

Always an advocate of the succinct, may I say that I didn't. Didn't feel guilty, didn't get a hormonal surge, didn't have fun.

And, speaking of explosions, Ana, the 21-year-oldvirgin-kissed-but-twice-has-never-masturbatedabout-to-graduate heroine, experiences a lot of them. From the moment this lovely young thing succumbs to the charms of 30-ish billionaire businessman Christian Grey, our Ana explodes in Vesuvian orgasms and Etnian climaxes. All are recorded in elaborate detail complete with her OMG reflections on every last one of them. In this almost bodice-ripper trilogy, there is, of course, from the very first sent-a-thrill-upmy-arm touch, an air of mystery, a soupçon of menace, a tablespoon of "Good grief girl, don't go there" and a nasty whiff of "This dude is off his meds."

And so it is. Our Christian is a dominant in need of a new submissive. He's had 15 of them previously. He's - surprise - fabulously handsome as well as outrageously rich, and in his magnificent abode he has what he calls a "pain room" complete with whips, chains, handcuffs and of all the other stuff the Americans couldn't find in Iraq.

Because our Ana is besotted with him (awash in orgasms, as she is) she leaps into various implements of mass destruction at his bidding and even tries not to say the "safe" word in order to please him. …

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