Magazine article The Spectator

An Ice-Cream War

Magazine article The Spectator

An Ice-Cream War

Article excerpt

The Antica Roma is an icecream shop near the Spanish Steps in Rome; recently, it served four E nglish tourists called the Bannisters and Their Wives. Mr Bannister was so surprised to receive a bill for ?64 for four ice creams that he, or possibly someone representing him, contacted the Daily Mail, as certain tourists do in times of crisis.

I t has now rolled out into one of the sillier diplomatic incidents, which usually go like this. A) The crime.

E64? That's mad.

Fucking I talians. Do you have a photocopy of the receipt?

Can we take your picture? Yes? Look more sad.

Fucking Italians. Look more sad. Paul! [Dacre! ] We have a story about thieving Italian ice-cream rob dogs. Yes the Bannisters and Their Wives are white.

I don't think they are on benefits.

B) The backlash. What is wrong with charging E64 for four ice creams of superb quality?

Fucking racists.

Fucking ugly racists.

Fucking ugly British racists. Why do they come to the Eternal Gelaterie if they hate us so much?

I thought they all voted BNUkip in fucking ugly British racist land; let them eat ice cream in the shape of the EDL's underpants.

C) The Backlash to the Backlash, also known as The Apology. Come back to Rome, the Bannisters and Their Wives. The mayor will host you, and a ridiculously dressed Italian policeman will greet you and make sure you will not have to show your passport at the airport. He will wear feathers. (Actually no one will have to show their passport in Rome again, ever, if they can prove they are here to eat ice cream. ) You will be invited to parties, the Bannisters and Their Wives, and dragged around icecream shops, and force fed ice cream you will not have to pay for, and you will be photographed looking happy.

Look more happy. Please don't throw up; it's only your tenth ice cream.

Actually the owners of Antica Roma operate an evil ice-cream monopoly. …

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