Magazine article The Spectator

Rod Liddle: I Wish to Apply for the Position of Chairman of the BBC

Magazine article The Spectator

Rod Liddle: I Wish to Apply for the Position of Chairman of the BBC

Article excerpt

Credit: Rod Liddle

To: Karen Moran, HR Director, BBC

Dear Ms Moran,

I have decided to give up on the gardening this year, after a number of dispiriting setbacks. Last year I invested a fairly large amount of money, and about four hours per week, in trying to grow vegetables. But despite the fence and the pellets and the presence of a large plastic falcon called 'Mr Roberts', almost all of my crop was eaten by wild things. Woodpigeons, rabbits, caterpillars, slugs etc. I once saw a woodpigeon eating some of my kale while perched on Mr Roberts's head, a terrible indignity for such a proud and fierce bird. In the end I had about 20 courgettes, and nobody in my family is fond of courgettes. So henceforth I will go to Morrisons for my vegetables, like I used to do.

I am bringing you this important news because, with four hours per week freed up, I have more than sufficient time available to be chairman of the BBC Trust, at the previous salary of £110,000 per annum. I assume, given his track record, that's about the amount of time Patten put in each week. I can match that.

I am writing to you, Kazza, because you are the chief honcho at HR in the corporation, and it is you whom applicants for a whole host of other utterly superfluous and fatuous jobs are enjoined to contact on the 'BBC Careers' website. Such as 'Content Services Creative Co-ordinator', which isn't something I've just made up but is apparently a real job and one for which I would also like to apply. I will do that job for no money at all -- a huge saving to the licence payer -- by abolishing it on day one. Indeed, I would like to apply for all of the 50 or so administrative jobs advertised as being vacant, and I will abolish all of them on day one. There you are: I've already saved you several million quid. Let's see if the BBC can muddle through without a Content Services Creative Co-ordinator and a Vice President of Sales Western Europe and an Academy Resource Manager and a Business Development Officer based in, er, Kathmandu. You really get around, you lot, don't you? What business is the Kathmandu development officer engaged in? Is it something to do with yaks? Or is he or she trafficking skag? I wonder if, as an experiment, the licence payer can live without the fruits of this particular labour?

I admit that the post for which I am applying has not been advertised. That's because someone has already drawn up a list of congenially bien-pensant metro-liberal halfwits, the people who run all of our quangos and universities and charities and public bodies because they have agreeable middle-class views. …

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