Magazine article The New Yorker

Gym Membership Packages

Magazine article The New Yorker

Gym Membership Packages

Article excerpt

GYM MEMBERSHIP PACKAGES

PREMIER PLATINUM LULULEMON SNOOT PASS

For exceptionally toned women and unreasonably tanned gay men, this pass provides access to all of the exercise equipment that one can use while still looking attractive: Arc Trainers, Swiss Balls, and that machine which is supposed to simulate the action of skiing, or maybe of speed skating. It's over by the elliptical machines. Your membership also includes access to the elliptical machines, but they are already full.

Members with this pass are required to purchase six pairs of yoga pants and a steady supply of Fiji water, even though the bottles don't fit in any of the cup holders.

SILVER ELITE GUILT PASS

For new moms trying to lose the baby weight and fat guys who have somehow only just realized that they're fat, the Silver Elite Pass gives preferential access to those treadmills which face either the wall of mirrors or the wall of windows. This pass is recommended for members who are interested in getting in shape but lack the will power to do so without being constantly in view of skeptical pedestrians or seeing the shocking reflection of their own jiggling mass.

The first-month membership fee includes three personal-training sessions in Unsustainable Shame-Fuelled Sprinting, Frequent Trips to the Water Fountain, and Rounding Up on the Calorie Counter.

ROCK WALL ADVENTURE PASS

For lanky men wearing bandannas and cut female hedge-fund managers, this pass permits unlimited use of the gym's indoor rock-climbing wall. The wall comes equipped with Easy, Challenging, and Blatantly Impossible routes, and provides the opportunity to be confronted with the graphic outlines of spandex-clad male genitalia while simultaneously being engulfed by an eight-year-old's birthday party. This membership also grants you permission to pretend that rock climbing is a legitimate form of exercise even though you spend most of the time standing around waiting for a turn on the wall.

Free with pass: chalk, bruised toenails, and conversations with people who want to tell you about how you should really visit Vancouver sometime.

THAT GUY IN CUTOFF SWEATPANTS WHO'S JUST HERE TO MEET GIRLS PASS

This pass is exclusively for Mitch, that guy flexing at the water fountain. Hey, Mitch. Applications for this pass are no longer being accepted. It costs the gym too much in sexual-harassment lawsuits and towel laundering. …

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