Magazine article The New Yorker

Air Trump: A Short Play

Magazine article The New Yorker

Air Trump: A Short Play

Article excerpt

Air Trump: A Short Play

Scene: An airplane cockpit. Donald Trump and Mike Pence are seated at the flight controls. We hear a jet engine warming up.

TRUMP: So this is your captain speaking, O.K.? And, I have to tell you, this flight is so overbooked, it's crazy! Like, everyone wants to be on my flight! It's incredible! And I've never even flown a plane before! And yet many, many people are saying that I'll be winning with the flying big-league! I'll win with the beautiful flying so much you won't believe it! Nobody can fly like maybe I probably can! Nobody. But first we have to take off, and I must tell you, folks, the air-traffic controllers here are the worst--like, totally disgusting, O.K.? The rest of the world is laughing at our controllers, that's how bad they are! The incompetence, you wouldn't believe! O.K., here we go! What do I do first, Mike?

PENCE: Um . . . apologize to the tower?

TRUMP: No, that's not it. Stewardess, please take your seat, maybe on my lap, if you don't mind the bumpy ride. Which is a joke, O.K., folks? I'm not going to go all locker room on her. I say that because I have great, great respect for women. Many of them are good people. Everyone ready?

(We hear the engines roar and then level off.)

TRUMP: Now, that was an incredible takeoff, right? I'm like that Hudson River pilot, Sully, O.K.? Only even better, because I had a beautiful takeoff and he crash-landed. Total loser.

PENCE: Donald, you're not flying the plane. My wife, Karen, is.

TRUMP: O.K., but that's the beauty of me--I delegate. Your wife has a pilot's license, and I don't, because I don't really need one. I'm like Limbergh. I actually did that phenomenal takeoff in my mind, because I have thoughts, O.K.? By the way, your wife really likes her candy, doesn't she? People talk about it a lot, but I don't know. I honestly don't know if she likes her candy. Could be. Looks like it. Are there any snacks out there? Be right back. (A couple of beats) Wow. Look at all these passengers. It's unbelievable, like, there must be five thousand of you, and that doesn't include the ten thousand people who the terrible gate agents wouldn't let on board. I'm not a big fan of gate agents, I can tell you that. …

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