Magazine article The Spectator

Lost Cause

Magazine article The Spectator

Lost Cause

Article excerpt

My last week in the Alps and it's just as well I don't think I've ever felt as partied-out as I feel at present, which means it's time to go home to mother, or, as the case may be, the mother of my children. Home nowadays is the Big Bagel, dirty, noisy and full of non-stop expectorating ethnic minorities, but, compared to a London run by the Blair clowns, a Shangri-La. For the life of me I cannot understand why I suddenly think London is such a pisshole. I still have all my friends there, still am in good standing in the two St James's clubs I belong to, still know plenty of young girls willing to go to dinner with an old man. Mario at Harry's Bar, Ted and John at Annabel's still greet me with affection whenever I arrive under the influence, and I am still allowed to shout and throw food at Aspinall's, the one and only gambling club that's grander than a ducal residence and whose staff present dukes could take lessons in manners from.

No, I'm afraid London is a lost cause, and some of you will not have the poor little Greek boy to kick around any more, especially as my daughter has requisitioned my Cadogan Square flat while pursuing an acting life. (Or an actor's life, as some feminised buffoons would call it.) Until June, that is, when I shall return with a vengeance for my London season, because the capital in June turns gay (in the old sense of the word) despite the fact that the clown of clowns, Ken Livingstone, will be lording it over us. And speaking of gays, my definition of a nice English boy is Peter Mandelson. All I can say about his 'chinless wonders' remark that hasn't already been said is that, in my country, had a minister made such a gaffe, he would have taken a bullet up his arse quicker than you can say 'Hello, sailor'.

What I'm not so sure about are Robert Hardman's remarks in the Daily Telegraph; he said that had Mandy used the phrase to describe members of a gentlemen's club, he would never have apologised - i.e. it's perfectly all right to abuse toffs, but not all right at all to abuse trade unionists or the working class. However rare the case, Hardman is dead wrong. Until recently, and I am proud to continue the tradition, both Jeff Bernard and myself have always described the great unwashed as 'oiks' and people like Blair, Mandelson, Cook and Straw as common little men who should at all times use the tradesmen's entrance. …

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