Magazine article Tikkun

Futilitarianism

Magazine article Tikkun

Futilitarianism

Article excerpt

"Abandon all hope, ye who enter here." Dante was the First Futilitarian. His prophetic book tells us that to get to heaven, we must first journey through hell. And to journey through hell, we must first abandon all hope-which means we must abandon all hope for heaven as well.

The principle of the hopelessness of hope is the founding principle of the World Futilitarian Church. Our church is also called The Church of the Damned (otherwise known, simply, as the Damned Church). I am The Pope of No Hope.

We Futilitarians believe only two religious precepts, which we hold on to with all our might in order to crowd out any other possible religious beliefs:

Forget it. It's futile.

Pygmies are stealing our luggage. (Based on a holy vision of pygmies swarming all over the globe, stealing each other's luggage and fighting each other to keep their stolen goods.)

Our annual convention takes place every two or three years. We generally get drunk and talk nonsense. This is not much different than staying sober and talking nonsense, except that it's more fun.

In addition to our fundamental theology, we have a philosophy, a science, and a ritual. Our philosophy is cheerful cynicism. Our science is based on the theory that there is no such thing as gravity-the earth sucks. Our only ritual is to stand in front of each other with the fingers of our own hands linked together, demonstrating the hand movements that go along with ..."here's the church, here's the steeple. Open up the doors and look at all the damned people!" We are the best hope of humankind. We are a cult and we do plan to take over the world.

Here is the serious part. We, who are occasionally awake, and who have lived through the second half of the twentieth Century with some degree of intellectual and spiritual awareness, are all disillusioned. We doubt all utopian and messianic movements across the face of the earth, and we know better than to be true believers in anything. We've seen enough. True believers in alliance with the greedy are not just the cause of the current conflict in the Middle East and the war in Iraq, they are always the cause of war. Greed and malice were married long ago, and their unhappy relationship goes on and on-like most marriages. …

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