Magazine article The Spectator

Champagne Diet

Magazine article The Spectator

Champagne Diet

Article excerpt

It's bad news for 'yo-yo' dieters. A 'yo-yo' slimmer is apparently someone who diets repeatedly, losing and then putting on the pounds. Scientists have warned that this can be highly dangerous, as it risks weakening the immune system.

Women such as Geri Halliwell, the former Spice Girl who lost two stone in 2001 and then ate her way back to her original figure, allegedly make themselves vulnerable to viral infections and colds. This is according to the American Dietetic Association which says, 'Allowing our weight to go up and down can cause problems.'

After reading this I nearly called up this body and offered to donate them mine. For I lay claim to being the world's greatest 'yo-yo' dieter. I have never lost two stone, of course. But, at the risk of boasting, my yo-yo bounces up and down with more speed and frequency than that of any woman of whom the world has yet to hear.

It took Miss Halliwell over three years to lose and put on weight again. It takes me just one week. I go through more diets in seven days than Oprah Winfrey and Elizabeth Taylor have in a lifetime.

Let me take you through a normal everyday week in my life. It is Monday morning. My stomach feels bloated and I feel liverish. My skirts are not exactly button-poppingly tight but they are not exactly loose either. It is time to start my diet.

Shall it be Atkins? For what a cornucopia (you see, I'm thinking about food, already) of diets are now before us. Yes, let it be Atkins. It once worked four Januarys ago when I stuck to it for three weeks and lost eight pounds.

So I have scrambled eggs made with one egg - what rigid abstinence! - and a cup of coffee. Without milk or sugar, of course. I drink a great deal of water during the morning because it is supposed to depress the appetite. It certainly depresses me. I have to go to the loo every half an hour.

At lunchtime I have some slices of ham. By seven o'clock I feel that I have lost at least half a pound. This certainly merits a drink. I know wine is on the verboten list, but I have always successfully conned myself into believing it is carb free. For dinner I have chicken or fish and some green beans.

On Tuesday morning, however, the half a pound is back on. How can that be? It simply can't be the wine. I know, today I won't have anything in the evening at all - except wine.

On Wednesday I find I have lost a whole pound. This is surely a vindication of my belief in wine. …

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