Magazine article The Spectator

Competing Children

Magazine article The Spectator

Competing Children

Article excerpt


Competing children

The thing five-year-olds most dread on their first day at school, according to Child of Our Time (BBC1, Tuesday), is using the dirty, smelly, alien toilets. I remember the moment well. Peeing in the urinal all men quickly learn to dread - the middle one - I was mortified to notice that the two boys either side of me were pissing themselves laughing. 'He doesn't know how to use his flies,' said one boy to the other. And I didn't. Mummy hadn't shown me. Instead, I had dropped my trousers round my ankles, just as I did at home. But cosy homeworld, I suddenly came to realise, no longer counted for very much. From now on, I would have to inhabit a cruel, arbitrary universe where the rules were decided by people other than one's delightfully biased, doting mummy. It was a shock from which I have never recovered.

Being as Child of Our Time is all about children, I should imagine it's of no interest whatsoever to people who aren't parents. But, if you are one, especially if you've a child born in the same year (2000) as the 25 featured, it can be terribly compelling - mostly for the basest of reasons. What you want to know as you watch is: so what's the competition like? How do their house size and lifestyle compare with mine? Is my daughter more beautiful than anyone else's? And more intelligent? And so on.

It's also quite consoling. If there's one thing all these children of disparate classes and races have in common it's that their parents think they're the best damned things in the whole universe, brimming with vast potential which could so easily be destroyed if the slightest mistake is made with their upbringing. Then you look at the children's parents and you think: 'Well, your parents thought the same thing, and see where it got them.' Coming to terms with the fact that your kids are bound to end up more crap than you'd hoped is a tough business. Not that I'd know. My children are, of course, total geniuses destined to succeed in everything.

My second nostalgia-whammy of the week came from Dick Clement's and Ian Le Frenais's superb adaptation of Jonathan Coe's The Rotters' Club (BBC2, Wednesday). It's set in 1974 - an era, as the voiceover tantalisingly put it, when no one had heard of mobile phones or Tony Blair - and it made me realise just how much of a Seventies boy I am, even though my wife always accuses me of being an Eighties boy, which she thinks is an insult.

Halfway through, we had an argument about how accurate a representation of the early Seventies it was. The Fawn, who considers herself an expert in these matters because she once saw Pink Floyd at the Roundhouse or some such, reckoned not very. …

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