Magazine article The Spectator

High Life: Taki

Magazine article The Spectator

High Life: Taki

Article excerpt

#MeToo! It happened right here, in Gstaad, last week. A man in his mid-fifties, about six foot tall and 165lb, grabbed me forcibly by the neck, pushed my head down, and then slid his hand between my legs. He continued to do so in a very dominating and aggressive way -- he could have passed for Kevin Spacey, but with his own hair -- pulling at my thighs, clawing at my chest, always drawing me closer and closer while breathing heavily on my neck. I couldn't move my head, so I finally succumbed and lay back. He then stretched himself on top of me and held me tight. I had to give in.

Yes, dear reader, however horrible it might sound to you -- after all, I'm 81 -- at times a boy has to surrender to superior force. Part of the account that you read above was plagiarised from Kate Upton's description of a Hollywood type doing to her what Hollywood types do to models and actresses. My attacker was Richard Amos, my karate sensei, with whom I was doing judo after a very spirited karate session. I am an ex-world champion -- in the 70-and-over category -- in judo, but Richard has done enough to embarrass me, once in a while, on the judo mat. As he did last week, although I never tapped out. Mind you, Richard is no Harvey Weinstein. With Harvey on top I most likely would have tapped out -- he's too heavy a load.

Last week was the best one yet. No, not because of the wrestling scene I described above, but because of the twice-daily karate sessions that took up the best part of the week, ending with the mixed drill of 15 seconds fighting and 15 seconds wrestling to round it all off. While Richard and I were writhing on the ground trying to choke each other out, my mind wandered back to Hollywood. Wouldn't it be better -- nicer really -- if the men tried to do it the old-fashioned way, by whispering sweet nothings in a girl's ear, instead of using the Eichmann method of Procrustean sex? I think it would, by far. I remember seeing a cartoon when I was very young, before I learned the facts of life, which was actually quite recently. Two Neanderthal women were walking and one of them had a great big bump on her head. Two males were watching them and one says to the other, pointing to the one with the bump, 'That's no virgin.' It seems to me that we've regressed.

Never mind. Life up here in the Alps is beautiful. The snow keeps falling, and I went to a party where they served caviar that a friend brought back from China, where he lives. …

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