Newspaper article The Journal (Newcastle, England)

Simply the Worst ... Ever

Newspaper article The Journal (Newcastle, England)

Simply the Worst ... Ever

Article excerpt

Byline: By Bob Cuffe

The worst holiday experience was, without a doubt, Karaoke Night. It attracted every half- wit the length and breadth of Menorca. I know there is a worse experience - but we opted out of the joy that is Reps Night. Where you go to `an original village " meet original villagers " drink cheap muck " and watch the Fat Reps dance with the original villagers'.

The Fat Reps hate you. The original villagers hate everyone. I'm with the original villagers on this one.

These nights feel like a zoo. And we're the apes. Particularly The Tourists who offer to join in the dancing. They're always fat, too. But they've got lovely personalities.

That's when you know someone is fat, by the way. People talk about them as having `lovely personalities'. Our Fat Rep was called Tracey. At the Welcome Party - with the added benefit of sangria so weak, it was white - Tracey was magnificent.

Having heard her, I've no doubt she'll be working in a supermarket next summer. In a completely monotone Brummy accent she delivered the script. Her insincerity, and complete lack of belief in the words, shone through. She moaned her way through the various trips, with phrases like, `the night of your life " you'll remember the excitement for years " laugh with us as we humiliate the good people of this island on Reps Night'.

By the time she'd finished, the audience were facing the other way. Eight were asleep. Two had died.

Anyway, back to the karaoke. There were three kinds of singers. Firstly, those who think they can sing. Obviously they cannot, hence the fact they are bus drivers rather than professional entertainers. These people, in possession of microphones, are a nightmare. They close their eyes when they sing. Just like the audience does. They hear a lark singing. The audience hears cats fighting. They always go for a classic - Mac The Knife was brutally butchered by a man who winked at the appalled audience. …

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