Newspaper article The Journal (Newcastle, England)

It's Graham Day

Newspaper article The Journal (Newcastle, England)

It's Graham Day

Article excerpt

Byline: By Bob Cuffe

It's Friday 13th. I sense that something dreadful is going to happen to you today. Something absolutely appalling. It's like the opening scenes to Casualty. And you're in it.

Just eating your breakfast as you always do. Just a normal Friday. And then the music starts. By tonight I predict you'll be in Accident and Emergency. You'll be having something taken out of you. I'm not sure what it is specifically, but it's big and rusty. You'll not be riding your bike for a few months, I can tell you that. So be careful.

Mind, if the Fickle Finger Of Fate is pointing at you, there's nothing you can do. If you just stay in all day, you'll have an accident. And I think that's really embarrassing. I want my accidents outdoors please. Masculine accidents. Involving wild animals, and dishevelled women, and the obligatory baby. I save them all, but pay a terrible price. The Hero. What I don't want is to slip in the shower. Or trap my privates. Or trap my privates in the shower.

A boss of mine had a really embarrassing accident at work. He was presenting to a group of colleagues, and leaned forward to click the mouse. When his back went. His back absolutely locked. He couldn't move from the stoop he ended up in. In front of all his peers, and his boss. They thought he was smelling the table. They had to bend over to ask him how he was.

He had to be gently placed in a chair, and pushed out of the building. A wheelbarrow would have been more appropriate. It was around five years ago. Tears of joy are still aroused by the memory.

When he was being tipped into his car (he insisted through gritted teeth that he could drive home) he screamed. This was the funniest part of the whole episode. It was a peculiar high-pitched scream, which had a peculiarly distinctive resonance to it. It was like he'd given birth to the largest hedgehog in the world. I can impersonate it pitch perfect to this day. A gift that just keeps on giving.

My rotund chum - Graham - drove to a client of his in Aberdeen. …

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