Newspaper article Evening Chronicle (Newcastle, England)

No Plot, No Wit - but a Real Hoot

Newspaper article Evening Chronicle (Newcastle, England)

No Plot, No Wit - but a Real Hoot

Article excerpt

Byline: By Murray Morse

Any link between Footballers' Wives and the beautiful game is purely coincidental.

But hey, the script is so bad it's simply brilliant.

Flashy cars, exquisite homes, haute-couture clothes, wonderful hairstyles, bronzed bodies bedecked with jewels and hunky guys hanging on their arms - and that's just the men.

And as well as enough top tottie to start a glamour magazine, the show has turned up a new contender for the World's Best Job award.

Superseding the jungle warden whose task it was to search Jordan's cleavage for bugs is Geordie actor Ben Price. He stars opposite Zoe Lucker, who plays tramp Tanya Turner.

Ben, who plays Beckham lookalike Conrad Gates, skipper of Earls Park, will soon have the most famous bum on British television, because that's all we saw of him as he and Tanya tried out a few set-piece moves.

Tanya loses her clothes more often than Leicester City Teflon-coated keeper Ian Walker drops the ball in his own net.

After she got over the shock of burying airhead Chardonnay, Tanya was soon enjoying a Catch of the Day. But she's going to be left as sick as a parrot when she finds out that as well as wanting to share Tanya with his wife, Amber, Conrad also scores for both sides.

Apart from the exotic locations aside, this show is so Division Three it makes Carlisle's away form look good. And I won't bother you with the plot - because there isn't one.

WHILE reporting the Portadown riots during the Troubles in Belfast 10 years ago, a brave colleague, David Walmsley, said to me: "We've got the nationalists behind us throwing rocks and firebombs. We've got the Prods in front of us armed with sticks, bats and bricks. The police are firing plastic bullets and tear gas. Army snatch squads are grabbing anyone that moves and I just heard another sniper shot.

"But I know that we're really in trouble now because we're stood next to Kate Adie."

Kate Adie? Pah! She may have faced the IRA, seen action in the Gulf War and reported from Beirut and countless other hot spots around the world. But Kate Adie has never appeared on I'm A Celebrity"Get Me Out Of Here!

And she's never done one, let alone two, bushtucker trials that were enough to make your eyes pop.

So, step forward TV's new most fearless roving reporter, Jennie `Premium' Bond.

You've got to admire old charcoal eyes for the way she reached the final of the best reality TV show ever screened.

She may have a plum in her gob, but the doughty old bat can hang in there with the toughest.

After being buried alive in a rat-filled coffin and having a five-course dinner of bugs, stick insects and fish eyes, I'm filled with nothing but admiration for the former royal reporter.

She, like Johnny Rotten, was another inspired choice as a contestant. …

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