Newspaper article The Journal (Newcastle, England)

Martin Wells Column

Newspaper article The Journal (Newcastle, England)

Martin Wells Column

Article excerpt

Byline: By Martin Wells

The Outraged of Tunbridge Wells Law states that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

God only knows, then, what punitive measures my wife will take while I'm away this weekend on a lads' golfing trip to Alicante.

Even though she has a "girls' night in" planned for Saturday (Is the run on brandy and Babycham at the local off licence connected?); even though she has cleared the boot and put the seats down in the family hatch (a prelude to a shopping expedition of heroic proportions); and even though she's laid down a protective cover on the lounge carpet (the mind boggles); I'm determined to enjoy myself.

There are those men, I'm sure, for whom a break to sunnier climes for the sole purpose of lowering one's handicap is an annual experience.

Their wives are enlightened enough to understand that their menfolk need a complete rest from the rigours of husbandry, a temporary escape from the humdrum chores that occupy our weekends. No doubt they appreciate that they come back invigorated, re-energised and, indeed, more attentive to the women they left behind.

I can't speak for my five companions, but this is certainly not the case in the Wells household.

It's not that she begrudges me three days on the Costa, more that she feels she ought to be coming along, too.

"But, dear," I protest, "do you really want to be the only woman among six blokes? Six blokes whose only concern while we're away is perfecting our swings, tweaking our putting stance and adding eight or 10 yards to our drives."

"Then why are you packing enough Lynx to drown an army?"

"Flies. There's a plague of them in Alicante at this time of year and the advice from the golf course is that after-shave and deodorant is the best way of keeping them at bay. Look, we're going to be outdoors for eight hours or so each day in the baking heat " you wouldn't want me to come back with malaria, now would you? …

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