Newspaper article The Florida Times Union

Festival Preparations Can Be Painful

Newspaper article The Florida Times Union

Festival Preparations Can Be Painful

Article excerpt

Byline: Terry Dickson, Times-Union staff writer

(Note from columnist: I had planned to write a column on the outrage of National Public Radio reassigning Bob Edwards, longtime host of Morning Edition. Although he is the best host in radio, NPR made Edwards a senior correspondent. In composing the column, I found I couldn't write it without the excessive use of the terms "idiots'' and "morons.'' Please accept this letter from the Hon. Bubba Gene Hightower, mayor of Pond Scoggin, Ga., instead.)

Dear Mr. Dickerson,

I hope this finds you and yours fine and otherwise dandy. Howsomever, it's been a right riotous time here in Pond Scoggin as we got ready for our first annual 190 Proof Festival to celebrate the fine bottled medicine turned out by local craftspersons. I used to be able to say craftsmen until Tyrus "Ty Ty'' Tyson got too involved in quality control, that being sampling his product, and couldn't hardly stand up long enough to turn out a decent run. Anyways, his wife Agnes Faye took over and she's turning out a fine product that treats the symptoms and the disease and cuts grease also.

So anyhow, we voted last week to have this here festival to bring in some tourist dollars. We had no sooner than took the vote than Albie Conyers' hand shot up in the back.

"What we gone do about security for this here event? This city council ain't prepared for all them people especially if they's protesters amongst them,'' Albie said.

About the best way to shut up gripers is to put them in charge so that's what we done right then, created the Pond Scoggin Bureau of Homeland and Distilled Products Security and appointed Albie the executive director of same.

I didn't commence to regrettin' it till the next morning when I swung by City Hall and seen Albie out front decked out in his camouflage loading up a big old tater gun mounted in the bed of his pickup. …

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