Newspaper article The Florida Times Union

Finding Crystal Balls with Help of ... Crystal Ball

Newspaper article The Florida Times Union

Finding Crystal Balls with Help of ... Crystal Ball

Article excerpt

Byline: Mike Freeman, The Times-Union

The All Points Bulletin is out. The hound dogs are sniffing every corner of Tallahassee. Florida State athletic department officials are on their hands and knees doing grid searches, cursing the idiot who cut the dang cord to the alarm.

The Jewels are gone, we wuz robbed, and in the words of Rob Wilson, the school's assistant athletic director, speaking to the thief who stole them, "Woe be unto that guy if the wrong people get hold of him."

The Jewels are of course the two glistening, crystal footballs that were awarded to FSU following its national championships in 1993 and 1999. They are valued at $30,000 each, a pretty penny for sure, but how exactly does the crook plan to hock them? Trade them in for three Geos?

FSU hasn't gotten this kind of horrible news since Wide Right. So a statewide manhunt is under way and I have decided to do my part to find the precious footballs. I didn't call the FBI. I didn't phone the CIA. I didn't even send an e-mail to that crocodile hunter guy who could find an ant on the side of a mountain.

I called a psychic.

I initially got one local fortune teller on the telephone who goes by her first name only. You know a psychic is big when she's known by one moniker. In her advertisement she promises to reunite loved ones. Perfect. The FSU coaching staff and The Jewels have exchanged loving glances for some time.

I asked the psychic if she had any leads on the whereabouts of The Jewels. She explained that she had too many appointments to help with such a thing. Call back. I wondered: What's more important? Chakra balancing or finding the footballs? Puh-lease. These clairvoyants need to get their priorities straight.

Never give up, never surrender. There are lots of psychics in the sea, lady. So I phoned a 1-800 psychic number. …

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