Newspaper article The Florida Times Union

Recipe for Perfect Pet: Take 1 Part Cat, Fold in 2 Parts Dog

Newspaper article The Florida Times Union

Recipe for Perfect Pet: Take 1 Part Cat, Fold in 2 Parts Dog

Article excerpt

Byline: Pat Weiss, Nassau Neighbors Columnist

Dogs and cats are wonderful, but how much better could they be?

My family and I consider ourselves to be animal lovers. In fact, we have a beautiful, but arrogant, cat, as well as two lovable dogs. The dogs are so friendly that you could (and I do) refer to them as ADD: Attention Deficient Dogs.

At the other extreme, we have our cat, which sometimes allows us to reside within her ZIP code. This feline is so aloof, that she put the "o" in "snob."

Well, things have not been all warm, soft, sweet doughnuts at my house. I think vampire bats, or some other creatures from a bad movie, have bitten my dogs. I mean, they're barking at the moon, barking at falling pine needles and barking at phantom invaders so much that I figure they must have become werewolves, or night-stalking zombies.

My canine friends used to be so well-behaved that when they did bark at something, they were considered to be part of the DOD Distant Early Warning system.

What happened? I wish I knew. Maybe they were traumatized by Syrian soldiers masquerading as Lebanese protestors. Perhaps they witnessed one too many breaking news reports on Bill Clinton's scar tissue? I just don't get it. What I do know is that the late-night serenades have got to stop. If they don't stop, the dogs may receive a lead aspirin coated with a full metal jacket. (Just KIDDING!)

I read where some company will clone your cat for just $50,000. (Like any of us have $50k stuck in that old coffee can in the pantry.) I want know if those guys can isolate the love and and adulation genes from my dogs. That's right, I want those genes, and I want to add them to a cat embryo.

Think of it: a cute, cuddly kitten/cat that can't wait to see you each day? As opposed to now, when the cat only makes its presence known when it's hungry, or when it's time for shredding the sacrificial furniture.

I believe I could make more money than Donald Trump with this idea. …

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