Newspaper article The Journal (Newcastle, England)

Willy Poole Column

Newspaper article The Journal (Newcastle, England)

Willy Poole Column

Article excerpt

Byline: By Willy Poole

This has got to stop. Really, the way you English behave over here is terrible. To be fair to Journal readers, I have yet to meet any English visitors round here who live north of Bridlington.

Most of the ones who land up here seem to be of the East Saxon Tribe and therefore as foreign to you as they are to the French. But that is no excuse for them to behave as they do.

So what have they done? They've only been into the town and bought up all Madame's fags. It has taken Madame six months to persuade a network of French Tabacs to get in Silk Cut for her to "damage her health with". Today she went in to to see her main dealer man and he said that he was sorry, but the English had been in and bought the lot. It really is too much.

Just because they are about a quid a packet cheaper, these people think that they can behave, well, like the English (No, dear, you really cannot wear those shorts, 10 inch heels and cellulite). Madame pointed out that she was also English. Oh no, said M.le Tabac, you live here and you speak French, that is different. It may be different, but it did not get her any Silk Cut.

NOW here's a thing. If I said "cepes" to you, would you be offended or would you shout "whoopee"? I suppose it would depend on whether your idea of a grand feed has risen above the chip butty or not.

A cepe is a particularly flavoursome mushroom that is rare enough and tasty enough to drive gourmets into paroxysms of greed. The French are mad for them. They are pretty rare in Britain, although I know that my literary agent used to find them near his cottage on Deeside and would send me delighted emails, instead of finding me publishers.

I have never knowingly seen one in England, but I am a bit lairy of anything beside the ordinary field mushroom, as we used to get at Powburn. …

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