Newspaper article The Journal (Newcastle, England)

Lady among Ruffians; Hannah Davies Discovers Her Inner Lady with the Aid of a New Book

Newspaper article The Journal (Newcastle, England)

Lady among Ruffians; Hannah Davies Discovers Her Inner Lady with the Aid of a New Book

Article excerpt

Byline: Hannah Davies

EDUCATE your disgracefully-behaved teenage daughter or brush up your own etiquette with a new book which combines centuries of women's wisdom.

Perhaps such tips as rubbing lead powder into one's face to produce a desirable pallor similar to that of tuberculosis might be frowned upon in this day and age.

But in How to Boil a Flamingo, a miscellany of lost lessons in the art of being a lady, the dangerous, illogical and downright crazy are commonplace.

Authors Alison Vale and Allison Rattle have brought together the aesthetic in the chapter "How to enhance the profile of your nose", the practical in "How to avoid the parental consequences of marital relations" and the supernatural in "How to identify a witch".

1 A perfumed body and an ambrosial home say much about the health and good taste of a lady. However, the voluptuous and heavy perfume of musk should be avoided at all cost.

It is far too strong a scent and alarmingly can produce an over-sensitivity in the minds of gentlemen whose private regions may become distastefully affected.

2 If picnicking in a public place, be sure to engage the services of the local constabulary, as these delightful affairs tend to attract the envious attentions of the lower classes. A police officer on call will discourage the riff-raff from straying too close.

3 A calm feminine dignity will usually be sufficient to keep in check the impudence of most young ruffians. Where such advances are not put in their place by your lady-like demeanour, there will always be a well-mannered gentleman to hand that will come to your defence.

4 The most important quality a woman should exhibit in the company of men is the ability to blush' when she has lost this she has lost her most prevailing allure.

5 That arsenic is a wondrous substance we have no doubt. …

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