Newspaper article The Journal (Newcastle, England)

All Fault of Bankers - Put Money on It

Newspaper article The Journal (Newcastle, England)

All Fault of Bankers - Put Money on It

Article excerpt


THE economic climate is affecting all of us. I was watching a report on television last week. Talking of which, I haven't seen, or heard from Robert 'Look At Me' Peston for a while.

Perhaps he never existed. Was it all a cruel dream? Perhaps he's imploded.

Robert Peston Has Imploded. The DVD.

On Sale Now. Perhaps someone has put an umbrella up his derriere, and then fully opened it. Leaving Robert Peston in hospital - in the ear, nose and umbrella department.

Anyway, back to Robert's Exclusive Recession.

I was watching breakfast television the other day. I really shouldn't, as it's not good for my overall disposition. It puts me in a bad mood for the day. Which is bad news for the cat. And the YTS.

Whom I hit with the cat. Again, and again. The piece was about elderly expatriates, who have moved lock stock and dentures to Spain, to live out their retirements in sun and sangria-filled joy. To illustrate this joyful lifestyle, the camera panned across a room of old people playing bingo.

The reporter, rather too eagerly for the mood of the piece, was telling us that The Dream Had Become A Nightmare - cue shot of nearly dead man moving his false teeth with his tongue, while waiting for his lucky number. They Were Trapped, we were told. Trapped By Fixed Pensions And The Falling Pound. And, there Was A Double Whammy. Tumbling Spanish Property Prices.

These poor folk haven't got a paella to relieve themselves in. The Dream Has Turned Into A Nightmare. They then interviewed the youngest pensioner. She looked like Baby Jane - she clearly fancied the reporter, and was flashing her come-to-her-stairlift eyes. She explained that the pensioners were really feeling the pinch.

By this time I'm sure she was feeling the reporter, who abruptly ended the interview. The whole story is clearly a nightmare for all involved, and it really cheered me up. I really fancy living abroad in the future - but know that, come the day, I won't have the guts.

I've never made a brave decision in my life. My last courageous move was to take the stabilisers off my bike - and that rebounded on me. …

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