Newspaper article Tweed Daily News (Tweed Heads, Australia)

Spirit of St Valentine's Massacre Lives on; This Column Is Dedicated to Those Men Who, Given the Choice, Would Rather Risk Dying in a Violent Gun Battle Than Stay Home and Admit They Forgot to Buy Their Wives a Valentine's Present

Newspaper article Tweed Daily News (Tweed Heads, Australia)

Spirit of St Valentine's Massacre Lives on; This Column Is Dedicated to Those Men Who, Given the Choice, Would Rather Risk Dying in a Violent Gun Battle Than Stay Home and Admit They Forgot to Buy Their Wives a Valentine's Present

Article excerpt

Byline: TUESDAY With Damian Bathersby

IN February 1929, seven men died in a clash between gangs headed by Al "Scarface" Capone and George "Bugs" Moran on the streets of Chicago.

It soon became known as the St Valentine's Day Massacre.

This column is dedicated to those men who, when given the choice, would rather risk dying in a violent gun battle than stay at home and admit they forgot to buy their wives a Valentine's present.

Having said that, the following is a work of fiction. It has never happened to anyone ... ever.

January 27

Scene: A man is sitting in a chair reading a Target catalogue. He is a nice man with an honest face. In the background is a clean kitchen. He has obviously just finished cleaning up after cooking dinner. A woman is sitting reading a book. She might be nice; she might not.

Him: "Good lord. What is that woman wearing? There's not enough material in that thing to make a hanky."

Her: "It's lingerie, dear. Sexy lingerie. For Valentine's Day."

Him: "Oh yes, lingerie for Valentine's Day. I knew that." (Desperately searches dim recesses of memory for date of Valentine's Day. March 19? No, that's her birthday. August 2? Nope, wedding anniversary. February 18? Sounds about right).

Her: "Don't look so worried. You don't have to buy me anything. It's just more commercialism to get us to spend money we don't have."

Him: "Are you sure? I was planning on getting you something really nice this year."

Her: "I'm not getting you anything and you don't have to buy something to prove you love me."

February 10

Scene: The man is in the process of ironing a large pile of clothes. He occasionally rubs the small of his back, having obviously strained a muscle while vacuuming. The woman is reading a book and snacking on Tim Tams.

Him: "Dear me poochy-woochy, they're making a big deal out of Valentine's Day. …

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