Newspaper article Evening Chronicle (Newcastle, England)

Off the Cuff

Newspaper article Evening Chronicle (Newcastle, England)

Off the Cuff

Article excerpt


I THINK I would be in severe trouble if I didn't name my nuptials as the highlight of last year.

Looking back, the weeks leading up to it are a bit of a blur but there are definitely some things you look forward to and some you don't.

For example, I had no issue with standing up and doing the vows but I was dreading the first dance.

Similarly, I was actually rather looking forward to my speech (the perfect blend of sincerity and humour, delivered with the timing to be expected of a seasoned stand-up comic) but to say I was apprehensive about the words to be said about me by my best men is very much an understatement.

To get through the inevitably humiliating speech, I simply sat there humming a tune to myself, blanking out everything they were saying, smiling and nodding when the rest of the room started laughing uncontrollably.

Anyway, months on, I plucked up the courage to watch our wedding DVD and was pleasantly surprised at the level of wit my two oldest pals have - put simply, I never knew they were that funny.

In particular, their ridiculing of me for being scared of frogs, complete with phoney Chronicle front page, madeup RSPCA quote and so on, was nothing short of comedy genius.

However, while it was all in jest, it was 100% true because, this time last year, I told you loyal OTC readers of the amphibian invasion in my newly-acquired pond.

With the wedding, honeymoon, Christmas, then New Year, I put it all to the back of my mind and forgot it until I watched the DVD.

Within seconds of taking the disk out the slot and putting it back in his case, I was stood by our main window, gazing out when I spotted some mild splashing.

That soon became furious splashing and I kept an eye out for the fish I assumed were causing it.

But there were no flashes of orange and instead I caught a glimpse of around eight dark brown/black slimy mounds poking above the surface. …

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