Newspaper article The Daily Mercury (Mackay, Australia)

Great Friends but Libidos Different

Newspaper article The Daily Mercury (Mackay, Australia)

Great Friends but Libidos Different

Article excerpt

My wife and I have totally different libidos. We used to be able to compromise but in the last few years it has gotten worse and now we rarely have sex of any kind at all. I would like to have it more often but she always seems to have an excuse. Is there a way forward or is there no answer to this kind of problem? Everything else about our marriage is great, but it's like we're friends more than lovers and I miss my wife in that way. Please, please help.

Of course there's an answer. There's always something that can be done in a relationship, and it's normal for relationships to wear some problems or challenges from time to time. If there weren't issues and answers, relationships wouldn't progress, evolve, move forward - and all healthy ones do. The answer may not be your ideal solution, but there is one (at least) nonetheless.

I'd first want to know what has changed in your ability as a couple to compromise? Is it that the issue has become one that is so fraught with tension that compromise is no longer possible without creating further conflict? Even in this case, help is at hand. Ask yourselves what you love about your relationship, what you love about each other. What would your ideal relationship look like, and be specific with each other. It may help to have these questions and answers written out and to read them to one another, that way you can give the answers a great deal of thought, and each of you has ample and fair time to speak and to listen. The point of this exercise is to be positive only. This is not the place to air grievances and complaints, insult or offend or hurt each other's feelings.

Once you have a picture of an ideal relationship, which may be reflecting on how you were in the past together, or may be a whole new vision; brainstorm what the obstacles are to achieving this right now. Again, this is not a place to blame or hurt one another. Rather than say things like "You never make time for me", or "You never touch me anymore", simply list the obstacle more generally, yet to the point, such as "lack of time together" and "lack of affectionate touch with one another". …

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