Newspaper article The Journal (Newcastle, England)

Funny Turns, OAP Sex and Saving Fuel

Newspaper article The Journal (Newcastle, England)

Funny Turns, OAP Sex and Saving Fuel

Article excerpt


I'VE been feeling my age of late (Bus Pass plus One, since you ask). I've had two hospital appointments already this week and I took a funny turn in the village shop.

Not that there was anything wrong with me. Two different symptoms checked out by two different specialists produced two clean bills of health. And the funny turn? Just low blood sugar, according to kindly shop assistant Margaret Mole, for which she prescribed sweet coffee with a Kit Kat. And wouldn't take a penny for them.

"Medical emergency," she assured me. "We never charge for emergencies." Hmmm, must remember that when I start to need Viagra.

Talking of which reminds me of my junior reporter days when I interviewed a couple celebrating their diamond wedding anniversary.

"What keeps you so young?" this earnest youth asked the couple.

"Regular sex," said the old man, with a twinkle in his eye. "Nearly every day of the week."

"Wow! Nearly every day?" I gasped, hugely impressed. "Yes," said the old rogue with a wink. "Nearly on Monday, nearly on Tuesday, nearly on ..." And there's another thing - women, especially young ones, have begun offering me their seats on the bus. They even talk to me. When I was young, the only female company I ever encountered had white hair and needed helping across the road.

What else tells me my clock is ticking? Well, to my once cheerful "See you later!" I've started adding an ominous "... if I'm spared". When driving I no longer need to watch the speedometer - my eyes are glued, instead, to the onboard computer's fuel economy meter.

The other day I was overtaken by a Lambretta rider. In a headwind!

MY concerns for our non-existent country post offices and declining Royal Mail standards were hardly helped by the news that, not for the first time, one of the so-called "replacement services" - a twice-a-week, two-hour temporary counter open in the old chapel at Scots Gap - was "closed due to computer failure". …

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