Newspaper article The Florida Times Union

T-U 2

Newspaper article The Florida Times Union

T-U 2

Article excerpt

HAYS' HEADLINES

With inspiration from the satirical website, theonion.com, here are the top sports stories that just missed the paper. These are Hays' headlines.

- LeBron James will sign with Bulls if Joakim Noah agrees to a buzz cut

- After five Kentucky players taken in NBA Draft's first round, John Calipari proclaims it the greatest night in history of mankind

- Jacksonville Sharks not interested in signing Terrell Owens

- Queen Elizabeth II charmed during Wimbledon visit by Enrico Palazzo

- Florida fans say following Tim Tebow won't be hard for John Brantley provided he never loses or throws an interception

- Following soccer loss, U.S. stops sending aid to Ghana

- Chris Bosh shows up at LeBron James' house wearing Robin costume

- John Isner, Nicolas Mahut introduce world to tantric tennis

- Lane Kiffin deploys his recruiting hostesses to seek favor with NCAA appeals committee

HAYS, THE MAGNIFICENTLY INACCURATE

The start of college football season is almost here. Why wait to get picks wrong when I can start right now? All summer, your humble seer has been seeing visions of how this season will unfold. Today, I unveil three bold predictions for Week 4.

- In a Thursday night thriller, Pitt takes a commanding 23-10 lead over visiting Miami heading into the fourth quarter. The Hurricanes score two touchdowns in the final three minutes, but a bobbled hold on the second extra point dooms Miami to a 24-23 defeat. Cheer up 'Canes. This will be your lone loss of the regular season.

- Two coaches facing mounting criticism after slow starts, South Carolina's Steve Spurrier and LSU's Les Miles, get critical victories. After an 0-2 start, the Gamecocks rebound with a hard-fought 21-16 win at Auburn to even their record at 2-2.

- Meanwhile, in Baton Rouge, LSU stomps West Virginia 38-24 despite a Heisman performance by Noel Devine (left). The senior accounts for 234 yards and three scores.

LSU's offense rolls, with five different players finding the end zone.

2 CENTS

Luckily for Georgia, the Bulldogs don't compete in the SEC West. …

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