Newspaper article The Journal (Newcastle, England)

The Real Money Is in Those Onions

Newspaper article The Journal (Newcastle, England)

The Real Money Is in Those Onions

Article excerpt


SUDDENLY I'm not only glad that Miliband the Elder has done a bunk, I'd also like to see the back of Ed Balls. And Alan Johnson can take a running jump, too.

Who needs 'em? Who, for that matter, needs Cameron, Cable or even 'Boy George' Osborne when it comes to baling out Britain's pounds 150bn deficit? The fact, dear reader, is that your humble columnist has the solution to the global recession and that solution is ... onions.

That's right, you heard me: onions. Big ones, dressed and stacked three-by-three or six-by-six on show benches in pubs and village halls up and down this great land.

Enormous ones, tied at the top with raffia and set out gingerly on sagging table tops to be admired and cooed over by teary-eyed, envious gardeners.

Like so many great victories born of defeat - and you need look no further than Dunkirk for inspiration - my epiphany came as I faced the greatest humiliation of my sporting year: trudging through the ranks of jeering drinkers to accept a consolatory kiss on my cheek from the comely postmistress in acknowledgement of my 21st place (out of 23) in the Etal Onion Show.

Members placed 22nd and 23rd were not present, having been ordered to bed by their parents because they had school the following day.

And my plan to easily win first prize in the 'heaviest' category was thwarted when it was pointed out that the judges weighed the onion, not the exhibitor.

But it was at that moment that My Plan to Beat the Recession was born. For vivacious Victoria planted not just a kiss on my cheek but placed a small manila envelope in my mitt.

Unbelievably, it contained a princely pounds 12 in prize money, just for coming 21st.

The mind boggles at what sum Gorgeous George received for actually winning the show. But back to my handsome booty: considering I had paid just pounds 5 to join the Onion Club, for which I was given free onion seedlings and much wise advice by the club secretary, that pounds 12 prize represents a whopping 140% return on the investment in just six months. …

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