Newspaper article Sunshine Coast Daily (Maroochydore, Australia)

My Idea of Survival Is to Run Screaming to a Dodgy Website

Newspaper article Sunshine Coast Daily (Maroochydore, Australia)

My Idea of Survival Is to Run Screaming to a Dodgy Website

Article excerpt

I'LL preface this column by saying that I know virtually nothing about survival, unless you're talking about negotiating a week-long drinking bender or relying on base instincts during a disaster.

I'm the type of guy Top Gear host James May despises, as I'd sooner use my hands for rude gestures than try to fix or make something.

If you ever find yourself dangling from a cliff face with a rope around your waist that I tied, start praying.

If you're ever unlucky enough to be standing, or lying, in front of me during a deadly crowd crush, don't expect any favours.

I'm so self-consumed that, if I ever found myself in a bomb bunker with a boy scout group, I'd likely steal the last of the food rations and then single out one of the scouts with an accusing finger.

My survival techniques mirror other people throughout history.

Think April 14, 1912, and a large ocean liner and an even larger iceberg.

That's right. I'm the guy who took the life raft seat from the little girl on the Titanic.

About 13 years ago, I was awarded the Bravery Medal for saving the lives of four people Co three of whom were friends Co in an early morning house blaze on the Gold Coast.

The media labelled me a hero. But in reality, I caused the fire after passing out drunk on the living room couch with a lit cigarette, and ran from the house without a single thought for my friends.

The screams that saved my friends were screams of pain Co the pain of realising my vintage porn magazine collection had gone up in smoke.

Ultimately, however, my cockroach-like survivalism would only get me so far in the event of a major catastrophe.

Eventually I'd need to be armed with more tools than just a mercenary's mentality, although such a mindset would be a good start.

I, of course, have no idea what those tools are. But luckily for me, and possibly you, I stumbled across a website yesterday called No Bulls*** Survival Co Your Survival Guide to the 21st Century. …

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