Newspaper article Fraser Coast Chronicle (Hervey Bay, Australia)

Mammogram Tales of Horror a Little Extreme

Newspaper article Fraser Coast Chronicle (Hervey Bay, Australia)

Mammogram Tales of Horror a Little Extreme

Article excerpt

And now for the best news about mammograms you'll ever hear: they only hurt for women with tight, pert breasts.

Oh yes, sweet karma in action.

About time those tight, pert-breasted women felt a little pain. God knows the rest of us have suffered throughout our lives by not being in possession of a pair of the best. Now, if only we can somehow make pap smears more uncomfortable for women with ridiculously long legs ...

Tales of the horrors of mammograms are, of course, much like Mark Twain's death Co greatly exaggerated.

Many are the bottles of champagne I have consumed with female friends as they share the gory C[pounds sterling]boobs in the slammerC[yen] stories; details of the gruesome process, certain humiliation and sadistic nurses who laugh maniacally as you scream in agony enough to make you reach with shaking hand for another glass of soothing bubbly.

As if being in your 40s isn't bad enough. Overnight, it seems, your eyesight fades to the point where you can't see well enough to pluck your eyebrows, you avoid coffee because it keeps you awake at night, and no matter how many hours you sleep, you still look as though you did a few rounds in the world tequila drinking championships the night before.

To add to the indignity? Regular mammograms.

It was virgin territory for me when I ventured off recently to put Co colloquially Co my hooters in a vice. With a long history of genetic ailments making my family tree much more stunted than many others, I was lucky enough to score a coveted C[pounds sterling]mammogram for free at an earlier age than usualC[yen] card.

I was terrified.

It was kind of like childbirth all over again; hundreds of women's supposedly helpful war wound stories ringing in my ears and drowning out the sensible, the pragmatic, the wise, the commonsense.

Visions of a huge, steam-blowing steel contraption with giant grabbing teeth, whirring circular saws and hot-as-Hades plates which belonged in the torture chamber of Vlad the Impaler didn't help matters either. …

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