Newspaper article The Chronicle (Toowoomba, Australia)

A Caesarean Just Might Not Be Kev's Best Option

Newspaper article The Chronicle (Toowoomba, Australia)

A Caesarean Just Might Not Be Kev's Best Option

Article excerpt

KEVVY a and I address you informally in deference to your concerted (and often, by all appearances, constipated) efforts to be an average afair shake of the sauce bottlea sort of Aussie bloke - I have two tips for you should you choose to challenge Julia in a leadership battle for the top job in our land.

Firstly, choose your date wisely.

By that, I don't mean consult with your astrologer over when the moon is ascending Uranus or when Mars is aligned with Venus to ensure smooth communication across the electoral gender line.

Nor should you turn to the principles of Feng Shui in an effort to harmonise the elements of your environment in order to bring about a conciliatory outcome. (I don't care how many pot plants you have placed in your south-eastern corner, things are destined to end badly for someone.)

No, what I'm talking about here Kev, is selecting a day for your Prime Ministerial showdown that bodes well.

A day rife with historical significance.

A day which promises a little Shakespearean drama.

A day Like March 15 a or as it is commonly known aThe Ides of Marcha - when Julius Caesar, way back in 44BC was stabbed in the back on the steps of the Senate by his mates.

How fitting, and dare I suggest, satisfying, would it be, Kevin, to stab a few of those Brutuses (or as you call them aparliamentary colleaguesa) right back where it hurts a especially on such a propitious day?

Enough to make you want to don a toga and laurel wreath and declare yourself Emperor, I reckon, all the while laughing maniacally like a Puck who has eaten too many magic mushrooms in the forest.

I bet you wouldn't even bother trying to wash the blood off your hands a la Lady Macbeth.

So now that you've chosen the date for your very own Caesarean a and seriously, every headline writer in Australia is begging you to hold off until March 15 a here's my second tip.

Don't do it Kev.

Oh, we know you're mad. We know you're hurting. We know you crave revenge, and would like nothing better than to put itching powder in Julia's smalls. …

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