Newspaper article Evening Chronicle (Newcastle, England)

Take a Stand

Newspaper article Evening Chronicle (Newcastle, England)

Take a Stand

Article excerpt

[c] WHO had a nice Jubilee? Anyone? That's good, I'm so glad to hear it, especially after you spent all that money on bunting. That would have been a complete waste otherwise. Me? I had a lovely Jubilee, thanks for asking. Of course, it wasn't my Jubilee, it was the Queen's wasn't it? That's not to say that I didn't sit on a throne and watch over my subjects. In fact, I sat on a footstool and watched my gerbils, but it's sort of the same thing. For anyone who may have missed a previous column, 'watched my gerbils' is not a euphemism.

I spent the Jubilee with my family, which was nice. It's getting to that point in my adult life where I only really see family for special occasions. It's like a meeting of the United Nations, except my mum bulk buys a bunch of Iceland Party Snacks. Anytime the Gilroys hold a summit there's at least a 35% rise in the sales of sausage rolls and deep fried garlic mushrooms. In fact, my mum puts on so much food that you're still eating it four days later, and let me tell you something: there is nothing Jubilitic about biting into a four-day-old chicken wing. Not when the rest of the evening is spent in A&E having your stomach pumped - yes, I was still waving my flag while it was happening but no; it didn't make the event anymore regal.

One of the best things about meeting up with the family is seeing my Nan. And undoubtedly one of the best things about seeing my Nan is seeing her get drunk. She doesn't intend to get drunk, it just, sort of, happens. One minute she'll be right as rain, tucking into the buffet and the next thing; she's had a swig of Bailey's and is now trying to have a protracted conversation with the cat. It really is something to behold, when you see a woman in her 80s, trying to discuss the benefits of Tony Blair's two-and-a half terms in power. I don't think Snowy minds being dragged into it; she's just not as vocal as she would like to be, especially when it comes to New Labour's foreign policy. …

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