Newspaper article Sunshine Coast Daily (Maroochydore, Australia)

You Should Be Looking for a Friendship First

Newspaper article Sunshine Coast Daily (Maroochydore, Australia)

You Should Be Looking for a Friendship First

Article excerpt

Q WHAT am I doing wrong? I think chemistry between partners is so important because I believe having a healthy sex life is vital to the success of a relationship.

I'm twice divorced and both times our sex life dropped off within a few years of the wedding, leaving little between us but stress and conflict after a while.

So now I'm hoping third time lucky and looking for a woman I'm sexually compatible with.

The trouble is I'm not meeting anyone I actually want to be in a long-term relationship with. I'm a decent guy in my early 40s and don't want to be alone. So how do I find someone I'm compatible with, who will still want to have sex two and then 10 and even more years into the marriage?

A It sounds as though your previous experiences have clouded your judgment about what makes for a good relationship and the right partner for you, and this in turn is affecting your dating life.

You're not going to find someone who is best matched to you if you're looking at only one criterion. Your past of having a dissatisfying sex life leading to relationship breakdown has made you biased about that being the key factor in making a relationship work.

While it's always a good idea to reflect on where a relationship went wrong and try to learn from that, it doesn't mean that fixing just that one area will then guarantee a healthy and lasting relationship next time around. A happy and harmonious long-term relationship is achieved in many ways and relies on not only compatibility in more than one area, but in effective communication and conflict-resolution skills too.

Sharing values often has been stated as one of the most important things to have in common for a relationship to work, but new research of singles in Australia by dating site eHarmony shows that it's not sexual compatibility or even chemistry that men and women rank as the most important quality in a partner for a long-term relationship.

It's friendship.

It's relating to one another, enjoying each other's company, feeling close, trusted, respected and importantly, that while in a relationship you aren't only lovers, but friends too. …

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