Newspaper article Evening Chronicle (Newcastle, England)

One Onion Ring Led to a World of Pain

Newspaper article Evening Chronicle (Newcastle, England)

One Onion Ring Led to a World of Pain

Article excerpt


I APPEAR to have a lot of difficulty with food with holes in it, probably because it is the work of the devil.

People in my house still complain about the smell of the cheese on toast I made with gruyere, which, to be fair, lingered for about two haircuts.

The length of time between haircuts is how I measure my life these days.

And a few months ago I had some trouble with a mystery doughnut which had been impaled on the handle of my front door and which heralded a long sequence of progressively odder items being deposited outside my house.

This led me to sit in my car on a cold autumn night and stake out my own house in a doomed attempt to identify the culprit.

But food with holes in it had never done me any physical harm... until last Saturday night.

I had been to see the dark reimagining of Superman at The Pictures - no red underpants, grits his teeth a lot, 7/10 - and was ready for something to eat.

After all, I had just sat through a two-and-a-half-hour film and half an hour of trailers, advertisements, and passive aggressive anti-downloading public information films. I could have gone to London in that time.

So I took my young sidekick/going-to-the-pictures alibi to a fast food burger chain.

I won't name the chain, but, let's face it, there are only two. I chose a burger which had barbecue sauce and two onion rings on it, because I was in the mood for something outre and exotic.

I carried the tray over to a table, we sat down, and I attempted to pick up my container of French fries without depositing half of them over the tray. Absent-mindedly, I bit into an onion ring...

"Clunk" went the onion ring. "Clunk?" I thought. "That doesn't sound right. Onion rings don't make a clunk noise. They don't make any noise. Incidentally, what's that very hard thing I can feel in my mouth? Oh, flip..."

I had broken a molar on an onion ring, by far the most pathetic thing on which anybody has ever broken a molar.

I can understand pork crackling, toffee, even a Toblerone - especially a Toblerone - but a soft onion ring in soggy batter? …

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