Newspaper article Evening Chronicle (Newcastle, England)

Why I Hate Envelopes

Newspaper article Evening Chronicle (Newcastle, England)

Why I Hate Envelopes

Article excerpt

Byline: GARY BAINBRIDGE One man's struggle with the 21st century

AN envelope arrived for me and I sighed because I knew I would have to open it.

I hate envelopes, I thought. Envelopes carry bills and junk mail and Dear John letters. They never carry good news, because people phone to give good news. The best they ever do is carry confirmation of good news you have been given.

But I mostly hate them because I am useless at opening them.

This is what would happen were I to present the Best Supporting Actor Oscar along with, say, Miley Cyrus...

MILEY CYRUS: And Dustin Hoffman for Massacre At Sleepy Pines.

AN EXPECTANT BUZZ AROUND THE ROOM.

ME: And the winner is... Miley, would you mind not twerking? I am trying to open an envelope. No, seriously, you are knocking into my leg.

MORE BUZZ. ME: And the winner is... Argh, I've given my thumb a paper cut. No, stop, it really hurts. (SUCKS THUMB) Honestly, it's the chemicals they use to treat the paper. Miley, please put your clothes back on, there's a time and a place...

MORE BUZZ. RICKY GERVAIS STARTS SINGING "WHY ARE WE WAITING?" ME : Sorry, and the winner - Miley, stop rubbing up against Billy Crystal! He remembers when Buddy Holly died - the winner is. (RIPS ENVELOPE) Argh! I have totally destroyed the envelope and torn entirely through the card inside. Erm, the winner is Ryan... er, Ryan somebody.

I have never opened an envelope cleanly. It always starts well, slowly I prise the flap from what is known as the side fold. I push in a thumb, and slowly run it along said flap.

And then carnage. The envelope disintegrates. It might as well be made of smoke. I am surrounded by shreds of paper and an envelope which looks as if a dog opened it in a hurry.

I am not sure why I should be worried about this, but letters are rare these days. If somebody has taken the time to put pen to paper, then carefully inscribed one's name and address, paid for a stamp, and taken it to a postbox, I feel it only right to treat it with respect. …

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