Newspaper article The Journal (Newcastle, England)

Columnist

Newspaper article The Journal (Newcastle, England)

Columnist

Article excerpt

Byline: DAVID BANKS

THE Lawnmower Salesman has had woman trouble before (not to mention the trouble women have had with Lawnmower) but this time it looked like he'd gone too far.

"I came in from walking the sheep," said Billy the Kid, "and there he was, looking guilty and sitting taking coffee with my wife."

Nothing strange in that, surely, I told Bill.

"I thought nothing of it," said Bill, shaking his head. "Until I came in for my afternoon tea and there he was again, having tea and crumpets with Janet and buttoning up his breeks!

"I was on the point of manhandling him out the door when he confessed what they had been up to: letting out my riding jodhpurs so they would fit him..." And there, laid bare for all to see, was Lawnmower's greatest mortal sin: vanity.

He talks the talk so he likes to walk the walk (or, as in this case, ride with pride).

When he's not demonstrating his ability to produce bowling green stripes with his Qualcast push mower or make three-point turns astride his Honda ride-on, Lawnmower plays the gentleman's part like he's the Chris Ewbank of the county shows. All he needs is the old champ's monocle.

He joined the racing syndicate last year and turned up in the parade ring at Musselburgh in hacking jacket, brown titfer and canary yellow waistcoat.

Having taken up golf he appeared at Goswick in flapping plus fours and a Pringle sweater.

And naturally it was plus twos, flat cap and waxed jacket as soon as his first shooting invite arrived.

And the jodhpurs? Well, he's fallen for a woman who's a big wheel in the horsey world and who obviously expects Lord Lawnmower to join the festivities when the College Valley Hunt sets off from the Red Lion on Boxing Day.

And to perform at that level of three-ring circus a show pony like Lawnmower simply MUST be wearing hunting pink (which, of course, he doesn't own).

So that's how Billy the ex-Coldstreamer found - twice in one day - his drink-and-dominoes pal in what looked suspiciously like 'the act'. …

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