Newspaper article The Journal (Newcastle, England)

Annual Christmas 'Sort Out' Is Just Plain Nutty; COLUMN

Newspaper article The Journal (Newcastle, England)

Annual Christmas 'Sort Out' Is Just Plain Nutty; COLUMN

Article excerpt

WITH only four doors left to open on our advent calendars (and one big, fat white chocolate snowman, which is NOT going to be eaten by you, Mum, OK?) the Christmas spirit has been immeasurably dialled up at Telfer Towers this week.

And when I say Christmas spirit, I'm not talking about all that mushy goodwill, fluffy jumpers and seasonal kindness. No sirrree. I'm talking manic cleaning, panic buying, stockpiling of selotape and a general tetchiness towards all men, children, dogs and goldfish.

Yep, Mum has entered the festive twilight zone with renewed commitment this year, which continues to puzzle me and Big Bro Fred.

Firstly, let's take the housewide upheaval. In a reworked version of Chris Rea's festive classic, our Mum is Sorting Out For Christmas.

Earlier this week, a bin bag was fit to burst following the 'sorting out' of the larder cupboard.

Out went all the nuts and dried fruit mash ups which were bought when we were working our way through out last consignment of advent calendars... making shelf space for this year's identical collection of nibbles which will, like their predecessors, more than likely never see the light of day, never mind a buffet table.

What is it about Christmas and nuts? I've spent my life being protected from peanuts as if they had some sort of hit out on me, but as soon as the distant sound of jingle bells arrives into earshot station, Mum can't seem to buy enough squirrel food. And it's not just peanuts.

There are also piles of cashews (bless me), bags of brazils and a ridiculous mountain of funny looking nuts which can only be enjoyed if you have a pair of pliers.

Meanwhile over at the wine rack, a similar sequence of events ensued.

Four bottles of mulled cider, which was apparently past its best, was quickly deposited into a saucepan, mixed with slices of orange (craziness) and consumed before anyone could say 'does this taste a bit off to you?' Then arrived the 2013 crop of beverages no-one ever thinks of drinking at any other time of year. …

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