Newspaper article Daily News (Warwick, Australia)

Appallingly Hilarious Festive Gifts

Newspaper article Daily News (Warwick, Australia)

Appallingly Hilarious Festive Gifts

Article excerpt

Christmas cheer

Researchers interviewed 1000 Sydneysiders to find out how they felt about Christmas shopping.

The verdict was not great:

Two-thirds of shoppers said they felt no Christmas cheer while buying gifts

37% said they felt angry, stressed or overwhelmed while Christmas shopping

When looking for a specific item, half of shoppers just wandered around until they found it instead of asking for help

The top three bugbears were:

weaving through crowds (56%);

carrying heavy bags (13%); and

finding their way through shopping centres (13%)

Chris Calcino

APN Newsdesk

THAT miserable season is upon us again, all baubles and carols and jolly fat trespassers wedging their flabby guts down chimneys - it's enough to turn your fur green.

If the above rant sounds reasonable to you, read on ... but first, see a doctor about that green fur situation immediately.

'Tis the season to be obligated to regale our loved ones with material evidence of our affection.

There's no escaping it - but there are a few products out there that allow you to carry out your passive aggressive Grinch protest, while still technically counting as presents. Technically.

They're not all cheap, especially for what you get.

But they are all, in their own special way, appalling gifts.

Someone is actually making money off this tripe, which brings us to our first product . . .

CHRISTMAS TINNER

Can't shake those no-hoper kids who expect a nine-course meal to materialise out of thin air every December 25?

This canned monstrosity has you covered.

The Christmas Tinner actually exists - we checked, but didn't go as far as buying or tasting it - and incorporates nine congealed layers of the stuff Christmas nightmares are made from.

The adventurous (or masochistic) diner peels back the lid and starts off with bacon and eggs, before working through levels of mince pie, turkey and potatoes, gravy and bread and cranberry sauces.

If he has not yet keeled over to seriously re-think the direction his life has taken, the diner rounds off his meal with Brussels sprouts, roast vegetables and a cleansing dose of tinned Christmas pudding.

SATISFACTION LEVEL: On par with licking a non-psychedelic toad.

PITBULL MAN COLOGNE

For those unfamiliar with Pitbull, he is the baldest and arguably worst rapper poisoning the airwaves today (men's mag GQ were more generous, rating him ninth-worst).

The Cuban-American jester has spouted off such informed lyrics as "give credit where credit is due/know that I don't give a number two" and "I'm go go baby, fresh oh baby, go go baby, uh oh baby, no no baby/yeah yeah baby, now jiggle it baby".

Following in the footsteps of other hip hop stars like P Diddy, Pitbull has now released his own fragrance.

If you want to smell like this guy, go right ahead. …

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